Don’t forget I love you…

I’m not gonna lie. This past week has been hell. There is no other word for what our family has gone through, and I’ve come here several times to try to express what’s going on, but have been unable to get even the most meager of ramblings to make sense. With Mom and Dad they had both been sick for awhile, even though Mom’s passing so soon after Dad I think knocked the feet out from under all of us.

Kevin though… none of us expected it. There was no warning. There was nothing leading up to. Just a sudden… loss. A sudden absence. A void. We hadn’t spoke in a couple of years. A stupid argument over a scrap of cloth. There’s no way to go back and fix that. There’s no way to go back and say I’m so sorry. I miss you. I miss you picking on me and making jokes and telling me not to worry about it when Mom got in a mood. I miss knowing that no matter what, you’d always be there.

Kevin will always be my brother, despite the fact that we didn’t get to make up, and I wish there was something anything I could do to go back…

For now, all I can do is hold this lesson. No matter what it is, don’t let angry words come between you and your family. You don’t know when the next time is that you’ll get to see them. If you’ll get to say I’m sorry. Or if that chance will never come. Hold close to your families. If you love them don’t let anything come between that.

Our family has been left devastated by this loss of a brother, a husband, a father, a son, and an uncle who loved making other people laugh and smile.

If you can, if you come across this blog, I ask that you click on the link below to help us pay for the funeral expenses, and if you can’t… can you please share? That’s all I can do for his wife and son.

https://www.gofundme.com/5y-funeral-expense

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In Honor of Veteran’s Day

I’m not posting anything about politics. We’ll go back to that later. I just want to take a swift moment to say thank you to any vets that may come across this page. My Dad was a Marine in the Korean War. I wish he was here today for me to say Happy Veteran’s Day to in person, but he passed so instead I’m going to share some lyrics that he liked.

The name read Andrew McGee
Loving son, husband, and daddy
That’s what it read written in her head
But there’s so much that could not be said
How he smiled they day they said I do
Smiled like it was just the two
Of them together standing side by side
As the preacher said I pronounce you man and wife

How when baby John was born that night
He sat and cried as he held him tight
And when Kaitlyn made her way into the world
He swore that he’d protect his baby girl
Scenes and flashes they’d never know
If they saw his name would they stop or go?
Did they understand all that he had done
He gave his life to protect their little ones

She cried the day that he signed those forms
Yelled and screamed as she gave him what for
But he just wiped the tear drops from her eyes
He said I have to help protect our way of life
The day he left she was so proud
Standin there waving with the crowd
If only she could hold him one more time
Tell him she’d love him all her life

The man came late into the night
I’m sorry ma’am, but they couldn’t save his life
There was a little boy just eight years old
He got shot in the middle of the road
Your husband was the first to reach his side
He gave his life to keep that child alive
I’m sorry ma’am, so sorry for your loss
He wanted you to have his Bible and his cross

The name read Andrew McGee
Loving son, husband, and daddy
And he was proud to be
Yes he was proud to be… a US Marine

I’m Not Winning Any Popularity Contests

This post may very well hurt any chance I have of more people eventually following me, but I’m going to go there and say it. I’ve seen a lot of anti-Trump, anti-Hillary, pro-Trump, pro-Hillary things in the last few days. I keep my mouth shut about them. However, what I have just seen blows all of them out of the water, and I’m going to say that every single person generating this type of hate, you are a miserable, despicable human being.

I came across this page that is so filled with hate, I want to assume that it’s people making up stories and tall tells because they are upset that Hillary didn’t win. I want to assume that, but the actuality of it is that I cannot. You want to know why so many people are hating Trump supporters right now? It’s because of this behavior. But you know what the other flip side of this is? Y’ALL ARE LETTING IT HAPPEN. Be a decent human being. Be the person that if you see one of these racists people doing something, tell them no, call the cops. Don’t just stand there and tweet about it. I am so sick of both sides of this coin right now, I don’t even want to call myself American, because if this is the way America acts – I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.  I want yall to take the time and click on this link and actually go through all these posts.

Literally so sick and upset right now I can’t even make this post sound the way it does in my head.

 

I voted…

Well, it’s a new day. Not really since my last post was after midnight last night, but we’re still gonna count it anyways. Hubby and I just got back from voting, and I’m gonna be honest with you. This is the first time since I came of age to vote that I have’t felt good about voting. I was happily a Bernie girl, and once Hillary was nominated I was sort of like, wait what?

I do not like Clinton. I do not like Trump. Having went and voted and researched the heck out of the both of them, I still didn’t like either option. I don’t think Clinton should have been able to run at all, even from the beginning, while she was being investigated. I don’t like a lot of the decisions that she’s made, and I don’t like a lot of what she stands for.

As a Christian I am against abortion except for certain extreme circumstances. As a West Virginian, I’m more than aware that she’s going to put our struggling coal jobs out of business, and what do we have left to replace it? There’s so much more I could say about her.

As for Trump… I know a lot of people tried to say he was the Christian nominee. He’s a bully. Let’s be honest. The man is an opinionated bully. I never really heard him say more than ‘we’re gonna build a wall’. I don’t like him. I don’t like his attitude, and do I believe him when he says “We’re gonna bring back coal jobs?” Not for one little second.

And yet, I voted today. I’m not gonna say who I voted for. But I voted for every single office that was listed on my ballot, and I voted for those who I thought, in the end, will possibly, maybe, help pull us up from the gutters.

Because one thing that Trump said that was true… America is not great. My husband and I cannot afford insurance, yet we make too much for the government insurance, and yet again we get no tax break because his job offers it, even though we cannot afford it. I’m currently sick and I know from past experience that in order to knock this out I’m gonna need a nebulizer treatment, antibiotics, and a shot in the hip to keep it from hitting my lungs and knocking me out for weeks. I can’t get any of that right now.

I know kids who are always hungry, I mean always, because there isn’t enough food in their homes. We live in a nation where driving down the road you can point out which houses are doing drugs, which ones are dealing, whose got a surplus and who’s barely surviving and these houses are side by side sometimes. This nation is not great. This nation is struggling to survive much less survive on a day to day basis.

I know kids in need of foster homes and people who love them and are willing to provide that home, but legally aren’t able to because of a CRACK in a window. I know people who are living in houses with no walls, but have nowhere else to go.

I voted today for people who I hope and pray can look down from where they sit at the top of this pyramid to see those below them, those struggling, and help fix these problems, help eradicate these problems and so many more that I don’t have any experience with so I can’t speak out on them personally.

Go.. Vote.. Because something has to change.

Fashion, Plus size, and this game called Covet…

I know, I know. I haven’t posted in aaaaages and I need to work on that so if you follow me, you have my apologies. As I’ve said before, I struggle with depression and when it decides to be ugly it manages to convince me that everything I write is rubbish. This post however is not about that. That’s just my little spiel or apology. On to the purpose of tonight’s blog!

I play this game called Covet Fashion. If you’re not familiar with it, the best way to describe it is a paper doll dress up game. You’re given a situation, you pick the clothes you think fit that situation, and then everyone votes on what they think is the best look. Players are able to get a score from one star to five. It’s a fun little game. It lets those of us without the funds for retail therapy to get some virtual retail therapy instead.

Before I go any further, let me take a moment to say I give the makers of this game props for the fact they’re going to be making additional doll bodies for this game so that you can use other body types. Tall, plus, petite, etc. This is on top of the fact that they already include different skin tones and try to incorporate different holidays and themes from around the world.

Now, we get into my complaint, and in actually this isn’t actually against the game but rather remarks that I’ve seen from players. More and more I’m seeing comments along the lines that players are starting to judge people they see on the street based on how they look in comparison to how someone looks in Covet and if they think they’re below a certain mark then they judge that person as not being worthwhile to speak with.

There’s so much wrong with this sentiment that I actually don’t even know where to start!

It’s okay to judge a character in the game because, ya know, it’s a game. It’s what it’s there for, and if you and your friends wanna have a little game while people watching and rate how well someone’s look is put together, hey that’s all you. But to then decide whether or not a person is worth speaking to based on how they scored on your scale? How does that make sense to anyone is beyond me.

If we used this in everyday life, no one would ever talk to me. I might score a 2 on a good day. Take church Sunday for example. I was cold, cold means layers. I don’t have a lot of layer-able clothes so let me give you a vivid image of how I rolled into church. I’ve got an emerald green fake satin blouse on under a black stretch knit dress with a black cardigan on over top of that. Underneath that I have on black leggings with lace up the sides and a brown pair of knee high boots that ’cause my husband to lovingly call me Han Solo when I wear them. Oh, and before I forget I have a purple hand knit hat on my head, because, like I said, I’m cold. I didn’t dress to look cute. I didn’t dress to impress anyone. I dressed for warmth, and I’m pretty sure God understood that even if he was possibly shaking his head a little at my eccentric look.

Now, let me address the elephant in the room about the major, crucial, oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-you-did-that fashion faux pas I just admitted to. I said I was wearing leggings. Albeit under a dress, but leggings none-the-less and *gasp* I am plus sized. It is safe to assume that I probably wear these leggings with a dress and with a blouse and you would be right. I am one of those not fashionably enlightened plus size beauties who digs leggings. They are comfy. I can dress them up or down as I want. They’re also *gasp* cheap, and did I mention comfy?

Bottom line, learn to look beyond clothes. If you’re so small minded that what someone is wearing makes them unworthy to you, maybe you should take a step back and self-evaluate. We all deserve to feel human, beautiful, and WORTHWHILE no matter what clothes we’re wearing, what our shopping budget is, and certainly that worthiness should never be based off a digital game.

Marriage, depression, infertility, and just trying to survive

It’s been over a month since I posted anything. I’m sorry for my inconsistency. This last month though I have struggled just to make myself get out of bed, and I don’t want my blog to be just about depressing things or my anxiety, and yet that’s pretty much where I am right now. I am fighting my way tooth and nail through one of those “I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m hopeless, blahblahblah” struggles that comes along with depression.  It’s one of those periods where it takes everything you have just to keep your head above the water.

First let me say. God bless my husband. If it wasn’t for this man, I’m pretty sure I would just simply stop functioning. He tells me daily how pretty I am and how wonderful, I’m just not in a place right now where I can actually “hear” him. I know it’s not easy for him dealing with me on most days lately, and he’s got to have the patience of a saint sometimes.

The infertility? Yeah, it doesn’t help the whole “I feel useless and broken” thing I’ve got going on lately. I even managed to convince myself that I might be pregnant right up until I took a test yesterday. PCOS can kiss my derriere right now.

So, on a brighter note for the last month we’ve been volunteering at a youth center on the weekends. Fridays are kinda slow because we’re in the middle of football season, but it’s fun too because you get a better interaction with the kids that are there. Saturdays are wide open! I love it. There’s an insane energy the second that you walk inside, and it’s one of the only places that I instantly get to push back whatever’s bothering me for awhile.

The plan for right now is simply trying to stay busy. I’ve been loom knitting again and I have a few projects I want to work on. I’ve started another work from home job so now instead of just captioning videos and being paid almost nothing, I have a job where if it goes well I think I’ll feel like I’m actually contributing.

God, please, let this start to help me pull out of this funk.

 

It can’t happen to a man…

I saw this conversation on Facebook that was discussing rape, and one of the comments as to another participant. “You can’t understand because you’re a man.”  This statement bothers me. No. This statement actually infuriates me.

“Men and Boys Are Also Affected by Sexual Violence. Millions of men in the United States have been victims of rape. As of 1998, 2.78 million men in the U.S. had been victims of attempted or completed rape. About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.” http://www.rainn.org

This might seem comparatively low to rape among women, but I want you to think about this for a moment. It’s hard for a woman to come forward and admit they’ve been raped, mollested, taken advantage of. The emotions that survivors go through are horrendous.

RapeF

As hard as it for us, for women, how hard do you think it is for a man – who is told don’t act like a girl, don’t cry, be strong, practically from birth – to come forward and say, “I’m a victim. Someone abused me, raped me, did unspeakable things to me?”

Mrape

Another thing that we seem to forget, it doesn’t have to be a man to do the raping. Male or female is capable of being a rapist just the same as the victim. There are a lot of jokes that fly around about not raping the willing. There’s an awful big different between the physical response the body was designed to give, and the emotional and psychological response that is screaming DON’T TOUCH ME.

Mrape

When are we going to open our eyes and recognize that this is a real problem? It’s not stories just being made up, it’s pain, it’s suffering, it’s humiliation. It’s time we stopped making jokes about rape. It’s time that we opened our eyes and did something, and for the men suffering in silence that is for all of us to acknowledge what they have went through and are continuing to go through. Stop saying “It’s different for a man.” or “A man wouldn’t understand.” Because trust me, far more of them understand more than you think.

The amount of Survivors in this world is startling, and it’s time we simply embraced and supported one another.