Moving forward…

I apologize for my last post. Actually,  I apologize that that’s the first post y’all have seen from me in awhile, I’m not going to apologize for my feelings. I’m not always able to stay cheery and optimistic, although I certainly do try. No one should ever have to apologize that they’re not happy, not having an easy time of it.

However, I do want to kind of touch base and let y’all know where I am right now, what things have changed, etc. So, the most important update – WE ARE HOME OWNERS!!! Never really thought that would happen, but hallelujah it did! It’s got some work to be done it, but mainly it needs love.

It’s a much bigger house than where we previously were, and I can’t help loving it. I love my neighbors. I love that once we put in the work needed on the house we can hopefully apply to be foster parents next spring.

I’m working on loom projects and sashay scarves for some extra money to do the things we want to do on the house.

Oh, and I’ve completely quit pop so there’s that as well. 🙂

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Infertility Is…

Pain. Loss. Shame. Heartbreak.

Infertility is getting your hopes up when you’re “late”. It’s your body tricking you into thinking your upset stomach MUST be because it has finally happened. It’s buying countless pregnancy tests. It’s hiding those boxes, tucked away in a corner so no one knows how badly you fool yourself.

Infertility is taking those tests, seeing the result you DON’T WANT TO SEE and cramming the test, box, and instructions as far into the trashcan as it can go so there’s no possible way anyone knows.

It’s when you go to buy the test and the sales clerk smiles and asks if you’re excited. It’s being asking a million and one times if you want kids. Explaining a million and one times that God, YES you want kids. You want a whole house full of babies running around laughing and trying your patience but loving every second of it. It’s knowing in the deepest part of your heart that even if you could have one… just one… that very raw spot in your heart would be soothed.

It’s hiding from your spouse, your family, just how deep the hurt goes, how much it’s on your mind day and night this secret shame and failure.

Infertility is a tiny, soft whisper 24/7 that maybe it’s because you’re just not good enough for that particular blessing. ee9312e89e7b45e64106a4fbef45900d--best-christmas-presents-christmas-eve

How did you meet your husband?

I get asked this question so often it’s hilarious. Anyone who meets us knows instantly my husband is not from around here. He doesn’t have the accent, that rolling, twangy drawl that everyone else does. Although, if you get him in the right mood, he can certainly do a good impression of that thick McDowell county lingo, and a better Jack Sparrow cannot be found.

So, what’s the truth, huh? How did this handsome, sweet, rock of my life get from NY to WV?1914669_128972619646_6204378_n We met online. We weren’t on a dating site or anything like that. We are both writers (though we barely seem to have time for it now), and we ended up writing together. I quickly found that not only did I enjoy writing stories with him, but our side commentary revealed that I generally liked the man behind the character as well.

Neither of us was looking for anything from each other. In fact, he had a someone he was talking to when we first became friends, and life was too hectic with Mom’s dialysis for me to even consider a boyfriend.

I confessed things to this man that I couldn’t tell the people I saw in my daily life. Fast forward a couple years to 2008. He’s now single, but I’m still taking care of my Mom. Mom has a stroke

Mom has a stroke in late 2008. It leaves her paralyzed on her right side. I’ll never forget going out to the car from the ER. I felt so lost in that moment. Dad was with Mom, and all my other siblings had someone to lean on. I just needed someone to talk to for a minute, just enough to calm down. I honestly cannot remember if I called him or texted him and then he called me back, but I remember the relief I felt when I heard his voice.

He started calling and texting every day to check on how we were doing. He would call when he knew we were visiting Mom and sing to her. He was there every second I needed him and our friendship grew into something that was so much more. We fell into saying I love you without any thought of it. It was just natural.

He came to WV to visit us in June 2009 with a duffel bag and nothing else, because it was just supposed to be a visit. He stayed. He chose to stay with me, with us, and in December 2009 we were married.

And that’s the story of how a NYer came to claim WV for his home.

 

Don’t forget I love you…

I’m not gonna lie. This past week has been hell. There is no other word for what our family has gone through, and I’ve come here several times to try to express what’s going on, but have been unable to get even the most meager of ramblings to make sense. With Mom and Dad they had both been sick for awhile, even though Mom’s passing so soon after Dad I think knocked the feet out from under all of us.

Kevin though… none of us expected it. There was no warning. There was nothing leading up to. Just a sudden… loss. A sudden absence. A void. We hadn’t spoke in a couple of years. A stupid argument over a scrap of cloth. There’s no way to go back and fix that. There’s no way to go back and say I’m so sorry. I miss you. I miss you picking on me and making jokes and telling me not to worry about it when Mom got in a mood. I miss knowing that no matter what, you’d always be there.

Kevin will always be my brother, despite the fact that we didn’t get to make up, and I wish there was something anything I could do to go back…

For now, all I can do is hold this lesson. No matter what it is, don’t let angry words come between you and your family. You don’t know when the next time is that you’ll get to see them. If you’ll get to say I’m sorry. Or if that chance will never come. Hold close to your families. If you love them don’t let anything come between that.

Our family has been left devastated by this loss of a brother, a husband, a father, a son, and an uncle who loved making other people laugh and smile.

If you can, if you come across this blog, I ask that you click on the link below to help us pay for the funeral expenses, and if you can’t… can you please share? That’s all I can do for his wife and son.

https://www.gofundme.com/5y-funeral-expense

In Honor of Veteran’s Day

I’m not posting anything about politics. We’ll go back to that later. I just want to take a swift moment to say thank you to any vets that may come across this page. My Dad was a Marine in the Korean War. I wish he was here today for me to say Happy Veteran’s Day to in person, but he passed so instead I’m going to share some lyrics that he liked.

The name read Andrew McGee
Loving son, husband, and daddy
That’s what it read written in her head
But there’s so much that could not be said
How he smiled they day they said I do
Smiled like it was just the two
Of them together standing side by side
As the preacher said I pronounce you man and wife

How when baby John was born that night
He sat and cried as he held him tight
And when Kaitlyn made her way into the world
He swore that he’d protect his baby girl
Scenes and flashes they’d never know
If they saw his name would they stop or go?
Did they understand all that he had done
He gave his life to protect their little ones

She cried the day that he signed those forms
Yelled and screamed as she gave him what for
But he just wiped the tear drops from her eyes
He said I have to help protect our way of life
The day he left she was so proud
Standin there waving with the crowd
If only she could hold him one more time
Tell him she’d love him all her life

The man came late into the night
I’m sorry ma’am, but they couldn’t save his life
There was a little boy just eight years old
He got shot in the middle of the road
Your husband was the first to reach his side
He gave his life to keep that child alive
I’m sorry ma’am, so sorry for your loss
He wanted you to have his Bible and his cross

The name read Andrew McGee
Loving son, husband, and daddy
And he was proud to be
Yes he was proud to be… a US Marine

I’m Not Winning Any Popularity Contests

This post may very well hurt any chance I have of more people eventually following me, but I’m going to go there and say it. I’ve seen a lot of anti-Trump, anti-Hillary, pro-Trump, pro-Hillary things in the last few days. I keep my mouth shut about them. However, what I have just seen blows all of them out of the water, and I’m going to say that every single person generating this type of hate, you are a miserable, despicable human being.

I came across this page that is so filled with hate, I want to assume that it’s people making up stories and tall tells because they are upset that Hillary didn’t win. I want to assume that, but the actuality of it is that I cannot. You want to know why so many people are hating Trump supporters right now? It’s because of this behavior. But you know what the other flip side of this is? Y’ALL ARE LETTING IT HAPPEN. Be a decent human being. Be the person that if you see one of these racists people doing something, tell them no, call the cops. Don’t just stand there and tweet about it. I am so sick of both sides of this coin right now, I don’t even want to call myself American, because if this is the way America acts – I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.  I want yall to take the time and click on this link and actually go through all these posts.

Literally so sick and upset right now I can’t even make this post sound the way it does in my head.

 

Marriage, depression, infertility, and just trying to survive

It’s been over a month since I posted anything. I’m sorry for my inconsistency. This last month though I have struggled just to make myself get out of bed, and I don’t want my blog to be just about depressing things or my anxiety, and yet that’s pretty much where I am right now. I am fighting my way tooth and nail through one of those “I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m hopeless, blahblahblah” struggles that comes along with depression.  It’s one of those periods where it takes everything you have just to keep your head above the water.

First let me say. God bless my husband. If it wasn’t for this man, I’m pretty sure I would just simply stop functioning. He tells me daily how pretty I am and how wonderful, I’m just not in a place right now where I can actually “hear” him. I know it’s not easy for him dealing with me on most days lately, and he’s got to have the patience of a saint sometimes.

The infertility? Yeah, it doesn’t help the whole “I feel useless and broken” thing I’ve got going on lately. I even managed to convince myself that I might be pregnant right up until I took a test yesterday. PCOS can kiss my derriere right now.

So, on a brighter note for the last month we’ve been volunteering at a youth center on the weekends. Fridays are kinda slow because we’re in the middle of football season, but it’s fun too because you get a better interaction with the kids that are there. Saturdays are wide open! I love it. There’s an insane energy the second that you walk inside, and it’s one of the only places that I instantly get to push back whatever’s bothering me for awhile.

The plan for right now is simply trying to stay busy. I’ve been loom knitting again and I have a few projects I want to work on. I’ve started another work from home job so now instead of just captioning videos and being paid almost nothing, I have a job where if it goes well I think I’ll feel like I’m actually contributing.

God, please, let this start to help me pull out of this funk.