Infertility Is…

Pain. Loss. Shame. Heartbreak.

Infertility is getting your hopes up when you’re “late”. It’s your body tricking you into thinking your upset stomach MUST be because it has finally happened. It’s buying countless pregnancy tests. It’s hiding those boxes, tucked away in a corner so no one knows how badly you fool yourself.

Infertility is taking those tests, seeing the result you DON’T WANT TO SEE and cramming the test, box, and instructions as far into the trashcan as it can go so there’s no possible way anyone knows.

It’s when you go to buy the test and the sales clerk smiles and asks if you’re excited. It’s being asking a million and one times if you want kids. Explaining a million and one times that God, YES you want kids. You want a whole house full of babies running around laughing and trying your patience but loving every second of it. It’s knowing in the deepest part of your heart that even if you could have one… just one… that very raw spot in your heart would be soothed.

It’s hiding from your spouse, your family, just how deep the hurt goes, how much it’s on your mind day and night this secret shame and failure.

Infertility is a tiny, soft whisper 24/7 that maybe it’s because you’re just not good enough for that particular blessing. ee9312e89e7b45e64106a4fbef45900d--best-christmas-presents-christmas-eve


It’s a New Year…

So, I thought I’d take a minute and talk about my plans for 2017, try to get a little more positivity and planning in my blog. everyday

First, I want y’all to know that I plan to blog more often. 2016 was rough, and the depression kept me questioning whether or not I should post most of the things on my mind. Actually, I’m planning to do more writing in general. I miss writing. I’ve always loved it, even more than reading as I get to do with the characters as I want to.

Next, I plan to be more active physically. I say this every year and it fails, but I’m hopeful that I have a friend who will ride bikes with me this year and help keep me on track. If I could find someone who will walk with me around town that will be extremely helpful as well, although even I’m not gonna do it in the middle of winter. Way too accident prone for that idea.

(Although, as soon as we have enough snow I fully plan to ambush my cousins in a snowball fight.)

Third, I want to work on my relationships this year. With God, with family, with friends, with anyone that I love. This last year I’ve been distant with pretty much everyone, and a big part of that has been the depression and anxiety.

I would say fourth, but I think this ties in with my relationships too much – try to find a way to get the depression and anxiety under control. I’m tired of it keeping me from doing things that I want to do and things the hubby wants to do. We had so many things planned in 2016, and when it came down to it either I couldn’t do it because of my issues or hubby was also having to back out of arrangements because I needed him.

Last I think is trying to be more thankful. I’m always worried that those around me aren’t aware of just how much I appreciate and love them, especially my “inner circle”, but if it wasn’t for these people that God has put in my life I can’t help but to think that my world would shatter sometimes. So to all of you – thank you.

Let’s try to make 2017 a better year,  a happier year.

(PS – There will be a lot more looming as well!!!! I have plans y’all. )


Free Clinic – There’s Always One…

(Or that one in which sometimes doctors are still biased jerkfaces)

So this is my only real complaint that I had for the whole experience, and trust me, it was an experience. I was there from around 10 am til 6 pm, and this is truly, truly, truly, truly the only blight on the whole thing.

I have a condition called PCOS. It causes all sorts of loveliness. Infertility, high blood pressure, diabetes, an increased risk of cancer, makes it extremely difficult to lose weight… It’s just all types of fun. Part of controlling it is a medicine called metformin which I definitely cannot afford.

So, I go to the clinic. My experience as stated in th

e previous post with the primary care doctor was phenomenal. But, because I have PCOS, he wanted to send me over to the women’s health corner. Okay.

It takes about two hours to get seen by this doctor. I’m telling him about the PCOS, about my eating habits, etc. By the way, that was not an easy task. The amount of people had set my stutter off, and this doctor kept wanting to finish my statements. Don’t do that!

He’s asking about my eating habits. I tell him I don’t eat often. I eat once or twice a day, if I remember. I don’t get hungry. I don’t realize I’m hungry until I’ve reached the point of a headache or feeling nauseous and its been that way for me for probably years.

First, was the look of increduluous-ness. And then… “You don’t eat?”

Well, yeah. That’s what I just said, isn’t it? Trust me, my husband has started sending me messages while he’s at work to remind me to eat. I just don’t get hungry.

This guy, I just couldn’t get him to believe me, and that really bothers me.

I can to a certain extent understand. I’m right around the 300-310 mark. (I had went back up to 330, but I’ve dropped those pounds again, yay!) But, what good would it do for me to lie about my eating habits? I’m perfectly aware that not eating is just as unhealthy as over eating, so what purpose would it serve?

Then, he goes on to tell me that in order to lose weight I need to eat breakfast and lunch and nothing else. Hold up. Wait. What?

That is completely different than anything I’ve been told and what I know from personal experience. I know that when I actually LOSE weight is when I eat several small meals throughout the day and drop the pop. I know this from experience, blogs, nutritionists, and a myriad of my cysters reporting the same thing.

So… I’m not quite sure what to think of this doctors advice for my weight loss. He didn’t even seem to believe me when I told him I’ve recent dropped twenty pounds. Oh, well.

I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, but at least he gave me my metformin. That controls my insulin levels with the PCOS and trying to lose without it is truly an impossible journey.


Free clinic – the Good

(Two Part Blog)

Our area hosted a free clinic this past week and before I say anything else, I want to take a moment to express how beautiful this event was. This was for vision, dental, and medical care. There were people from all walks, all races, and all professions, all talking to each other just as normal human beings. I had the pleasure of sitting with a lady who had come to have her oldest son’s and her own health checked out. His name was Kevin, he was an adult, and he had down syndrome. Every person I noticed spent a significant amount of time talking to both this mother and her son, although he was too shy to answer back mostly.

I can’t say as I blame him. There were A LOT of people there. It is not an experience I plan to repeat by myself ever again. My phone was my life line to not having a severe panic attack.

Despite the amount of people there, the wait times weren’t absolutely horrible, and the staff did everything they could to make the experience pleasurable. They brought around lunch, bottled water, and at one point there was singing and music from some of the youth who were volunteering.

Now, let me explain why I chose to attend this event. I do not have health insurance. My husband and I fall between the brackets. He makes too much as an EMT to qualify for Medicaid, but we don’t make enough to be able to afford private insurance. The lady I was talking with actually had insurance, but was unable to afford the deductible. So, we came, in droves I might add, to this three day free clinic.

I have severe asthma and allergies. I’ve had them my life, but growing up I was on my parents’ insurance. Did you know an inhaler costs 70 bucks? That is the rescue inhaler. Once I spoke with the primary care doctor I was sent away with a Symbicort inhaler ($330) as well as a nebulizer ($200-$400) and the medications for the nebulizer. They even offered to pray with me. It was an amazing experience watching these doctors, nurses, surgeons, etc volunteering their time.

A large part of the doctors I spoke with weren’t even from West Virginia, and yet they had donated time, provisions, etc to come here.

It was truly a blessing.