Insert expletive.

I’m a Christian. As a Christian, I try to be very careful of the words I use. My friends tease me because of how many times they hear statements such as “You stupid fluffing piece of crap” <— in reference to my Jeep.

However in this case I can’t think of any other word except a curse to get my point across. Depression is a BITCH. This entire last year feels like it has been one continual round after another struggling to keep my head above water as far as the depression goes.

Someone asked me what I have to be depressed about. That question in and of itself shows me how little so many people still understand about depression. It’s not being sad. It’s not so much an emotion as it is a constant emotional upheaval.

It’s faking your way through each and every day and praying no one sees through your mask. It’s feeling worthless and crying when no one is around to see or try to comfort you because there is no comfort so why bother seeking it.

It’s never being good enough, no matter how many times you’re told you are.

It’s seeing yourself as continually disheveled and ugly no matter how much effort you put into how you look that day.

For me, it’s clinging so desperately to God that you’re actually afraid one day He’ll say enoughs enough and even He will be tired of you.

I am deeply and sincerely praying that in 2017, I have a few more good rounds than bad. I am praying I wake up from good dreams instead of ones of my parents saying how much they despise me. I am praying I can look in the mirror and say I am worth something and actually believe it.

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One thought on “Insert expletive.

  1. This breaks my heart for you because I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve survived several serious bouts of depression (because it’s fun and cyclical that way) and I fight it every day of my life.

    My heart is with you. You are exactly enough.

    Like

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