Marriage, depression, infertility, and just trying to survive

It’s been over a month since I posted anything. I’m sorry for my inconsistency. This last month though I have struggled just to make myself get out of bed, and I don’t want my blog to be just about depressing things or my anxiety, and yet that’s pretty much where I am right now. I am fighting my way tooth and nail through one of those “I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m hopeless, blahblahblah” struggles that comes along with depression.  It’s one of those periods where it takes everything you have just to keep your head above the water.

First let me say. God bless my husband. If it wasn’t for this man, I’m pretty sure I would just simply stop functioning. He tells me daily how pretty I am and how wonderful, I’m just not in a place right now where I can actually “hear” him. I know it’s not easy for him dealing with me on most days lately, and he’s got to have the patience of a saint sometimes.

The infertility? Yeah, it doesn’t help the whole “I feel useless and broken” thing I’ve got going on lately. I even managed to convince myself that I might be pregnant right up until I took a test yesterday. PCOS can kiss my derriere right now.

So, on a brighter note for the last month we’ve been volunteering at a youth center on the weekends. Fridays are kinda slow because we’re in the middle of football season, but it’s fun too because you get a better interaction with the kids that are there. Saturdays are wide open! I love it. There’s an insane energy the second that you walk inside, and it’s one of the only places that I instantly get to push back whatever’s bothering me for awhile.

The plan for right now is simply trying to stay busy. I’ve been loom knitting again and I have a few projects I want to work on. I’ve started another work from home job so now instead of just captioning videos and being paid almost nothing, I have a job where if it goes well I think I’ll feel like I’m actually contributing.

God, please, let this start to help me pull out of this funk.

 

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